The new Winson Payne mysteries episode 1
by trucyfan6969
Summary: Winson Pain starts his own mystery solving business amd SOLVE CRIMES (WARNING kinda disturbing and SPOOKY, reader discretion advised)
1. the mystery begains

Hi... I'm Winson Payne... you know, the prosectur guy. A few years ago I was fired by the prositcuting office because they caught me kissing Marven Grossburg during a trial I COULDN;T HELP IT, IT WAS TRUE LOVE anywayz after that I had to find a new way to make money to pay for food and houses and stuff like that, so like basically? I started a mystery solving buisiness with all my friends. Best desciosion ever!

We have solved like, sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many mysteries and stuff. We;ve caught ghosts, killed vampires, saved towns from zombies, and other epic stuffies liek tath.

We call ourselfs THGE MYSTERIY GANNG and we solve any mystery that comes our way, big or small. Of course you have to pay us money or else we arent doing shit, after all this isnt a charity. Its liek get outta here you broke bitch! LOL!

TEHH MYSTERITY GANGN consists of myself, my lover Marven Gorssbrog, Richard Wellington, Jackus Portmans, and of course trucyfan6969 who is the greateest person EVER and is basically the branes behind the operation. Her detecktive skills as a deteicve are unparriled. also shes kinda cute... but um _ dont tell Marvie Grossieburg i said taht tho lol

anywayz what I wanted to talk to you about today is the scariesyt mytsery we ever solved, its called the HAUNTED SPOOKY MYSETYRY WITH GHOSTS because there was ghosts in the mystery. Anyway that day started like any other day, the gang was all sihtting around the breakfast table at the clubhouse when I walked in holding a letter.

"joly shminkies guys," I said "it's a letter from the judge!"

"A letter from the jduge?" asked Marven Grostbut "But what could the jduge want with us?"

"I dont kinow, Marvie" I ripleid "but if I had to wager a guess, I'd say that the king ahas osme sorty omf mysetry on him hands."

"Well just don't stand there, Wincey" said trucyfan6969. "Open it allready!"

"Dear THE MSYERIUY AGNAG," I begun rading, "im writting you this letter to beseech your aid in catching the HAUNTED GHJOST that been haunting the courthouse for genearitons. My sources tell me that the ghost is jhiding out in London at the royal castle. I have included 5 tickets for Englind. Please, help us. love, the judge."

"Well gang" I said, looking up the letter with a familer twinlke in my eyes "it looks like we have another mystery on our hands"

"Mystery?" said my lover Mratin Grobsob "But Winsty Im scare of ghosts" and he started cryin.

"shut up BITCH" said Jackous Portsman, slamming down his energy drank. "Ugh your fat blubblery ASS is always crying, your such a wet blankit. Remind me why we keep him around agian?"

"YOU SHUT UP PORTSMAN" scremed trucyfan6969 while hugging Grossbuth. "You know he has PTSD from when his wife adn kids were eating by ghosts!" Being rmeinded of his truama just made Marven cry even more.

"Ugh!" said Richard Wellington, rolling his masacra. "Can we go one day without all this drama? i feel like im at the opera"

I sihged. It wasnt easy keeping this group of misfits in line. Jock Portsman is really strong and good at beeating up ghosts, but hes also realy abrasive. (Hes also kinda a hunksicle) My lover Martien Grossburt is a big old teddie bear and he gets scared really easily but whjat can I say I love him. Hes basically THE MIYSIET GANG'S mascot. Also, hes pretty good at luring out ghosts and deflecting ectoplasm with his obesity.

Richard Wellington is one catty bitch! He clames to hate drama, but he starts it whereever he goes. and he always looks FABULOOIS while doing it. But despite that, hes a true friend, and will never hesiate to put his skin on the line for the gang. Also, he studied ghosts and golbins and shit in collige so basically hes a really valuable assat to our team.

my girl trucyfan6969 is supermsrart and aweosme and her bangs are always on point. Shes the one who usually figures out who the real bad guy is by using loigc and contradicktions (sp?) and other lawyar-y stuff like that. If she wasnt a member of THE MASDYSERTY GANG she would probably be like a prosicutar or something. I woudlnt want to face her in court!

And finally theres... well, theres me. I dont' really have any speical telants or any unqiue role per se. But these people? They look up to me. They view me as a leadaer. Im like the glue taht holds this crazy family together. I usualy dirict the investergrations adn tell evartyone what to do. Its my job to make sure everyone fuflils there role. Its not always easy, but hellk, i woouldnt have it anyother waty.

i clapped my hands and got thier attentinon. "Ok guys!" I said. "Konkc it off! Accoridng to these tickets, the plain to lOnisn Englaid leaves in a few hours. Soe everyonbdy go to your rooms and pack your bags!" Everybody ran offf whooping and hollaring.

Except for Martin.

"Dont worry babe" I whisperd wraping an arm around hims shoudler. "One day we;ll find the ghhsots who murdered your family. We'll find them and when we do, we'll kill tham."

"Thank you Winsty" said Maevin, wiping away his tears. "You always know just wshat to say. I hgeuss thats wyh you are... myl over."

I smooched him on the cheek. "You got that right my ltitle Marvey Warvey." He gigled. I took his hnad and We staired into eacothers eyes lovingly.

"Cmon" I said "Lets go get packed. We got a plane to cathc."

"And dont forget a ghost" said Martven Groserbt

"hey Mr eager bever, I thought you were scare of ghosts!"

"Not when your aroun, Winsty pie" and he winked and jiggled his moustahce. God how I love that man. We went to get packed, lauhging and joking with the others in the hallway. Surely this would just be another mystery for the gang, right?

How naive we were.

We had no idae what was waitging for us in LOndin...

(end of chapter 1)


	2. arival at elgnad

The enxt day found ATHE MYYSIEDRY ANGR disembarking from there plane in LONDON ENLGING

"Wow its so warm" said my lover Maven Grosburt, shivering. "It must be like, losta degrees farenheight out. Whys it so damn warm in Feburary?"

trucyfan6969 rolled her eyes. "Becuase we're in another time zone, silly."

"Everybody shut the fuck up" said Jacques Protman, snapping on his reverse fannypack. "We have a mystery to solve." Jackous was wearing badass sunglasses like the ones Slyvester Stallone wore in the movie Cobra, a USA number 1 flatcap, a wifebeater with "FUCK THE METRIC SYSTEM" stiched on in giant letters, short-shorts, and flipflops with socks.

"Looking good, Jock," said trucyfan6969. She was waring a Stussy sweatshirt, skinny jeans with a diamond-studded pleather belt, and black Converse sneakers. She had also died her hair black and was waring blalk eyelinar and black lipstick.

Fashion is like super imporant to me and my crew. We always make sure to dress our best. And our best is ALWAYS styleish ah fuh. If you can't look good while aresting ghosts and solving crimes than whats even the point, bitches?

"Love the converse, trucyfan6969" said Richard Wellington, mkaing a pistol with his thumb and index fingers. He was wearing a blue blazer, a Hanes cotton tshirt (you dont need lots of money to dress like a boss), a beautfiul silk scarf, thick heart-shapped violet glasses, and pleated canary yellow slacks. He was also wearing a gag banana tie that we had gotten him for christmas. He was pissed off about it at first, but now he loves fluanting that thing.

"But your ensamble is a little tame, don't you think?" Richerd continued criitcally. "Tsk tsk. I explected something a littel more... wild, shjall we say?"

"You want wild?" replied trucyfan6969. "Peep this" She pulled up one of the legs of hjer skinny heans and revealed a sock with torchics on them.

"oh hells yeah, nice" we all said. She smriked smugly. Always expect the unxpected when shes aroudn!

Meanwhile Marven Grosburg's outfit was realy daring and brave, he was only weraing like this huge adult dipaer, which was like stained and had already been used I think? I admit, it was a bit wierd, but hey, I wasnt about to knock the guy for it. We all have our weirde little things we do. If this was his way of coping with his ghost-related truama, so be it.

As for myself, I was wearing my regular gray suit. Simple, but sharp, and it was well-tailored. I thought it made a nice contstact to the others outfits. It identifed me as the serious bossman in charge. Just how I liked it.

"Okay guys," I began, "the judge's letter said that the ghost was hiding out ath the royal castel, so lets scoot our buns over there."

We took a coach into the city and from there road the Eifle Tower to Buttingham Palce, the home of the royal family. and, if the jduge's intel was correct, the curtent hiding place of the ghost. We crosed the drawbrigde to the calsel. I girped the handles of the front doors and looked over my sohuelrds.

"we're about to meat royality, guys, so asct majestic, okay?" I said.

Portsman scowled. "Wells thats going to hard with this fucking naked old bitch in the dipar," he said.

"STOP BULLYING ME YOU TOXIC TROLL" cried Marvin, channeling a certain fan fic author that we all know an love.

"Darling, I don't mean to be rude," said Richard, taking a sip from his highball, "but your man titties literally look like burlap sacks."

"Shut yuor moutfh, richard!" barked trucyfan6969. "We're leaving body shaming behind in 2019!"

Richard shrugged. "Is it too much to ask that as long as I am forced to share this planet with you people that you put a little effort into your appearinces?"

I faceplamed. You see what I have to deal with? Before aynone could get anotehr word in, I quickly openied the doors and ushered everyone into the main hall of the caslte. Ash soon sa we steped inside, thhhe doors slammed shut on there own!

(to be continue)


	3. the mystery is reavaled

"FUCK" said Jacques as the doors slammed. He spun arount and pulled on the handles. "URhghgh! No good, its locked tight. Were traped in here... with the ghost!"

Marven starteid crying on me. "Winsty, Im scart" he moaned.

"Shhhh my little baby dove" I coeed. "Its okay. Ill protect you."

Ricarhd Whellingoton lifted his glasses and arced an eyebrow. "Don't look now kids, but here comes the king of englant..."

We all turnjed around and the king was striding across the mainhall with his hand extented.

"You gotta catch that ghost, Winston," he said, "you gotha-" and then his face went white and he lifted a shaking finger and pointed over our shoulders. We all whilred around and came face to face with... trhe gost!

"Oooooooh leave this place" the ghost moaned, whaving its arms around in the air.

"Jhoinks!" cryed Marven, jumping intro Richard's arms. "G-g-g-g-g-ghost!"

We were all like rely scared of the ghost... all of us except Jockass Sportsman! He flew at the ghost and quicly beat him into submission by punching it in the balles liek 500 tiems.

"ow" said the ghost, lieing on the grouned.

I gave Portsman a thumsup. "Nice job dude."

Richard went like prfffft. "Oh, brillient ditective work, Jacquous!" he said sarcsaticaly. "You really put your gray matter to work there." Jaqcus flipped the bird.

trucyfan6969 strode over to the ghost. "Now lets see whose really behind this little caper," she said. "Its probably Athena taht fuckin slut" She lifted the ghosts hood and revealed...

"The judge!?" the entire gang and the king cried in unison.

"And I would have gottan away with it, too" he snarled, "if it werent for that you mettleling kids and that damnted Marven Gorsburge!"

trucyfan6969 was in tears. "But why, Judgy?" she aksed. "Just... why."

The judge laughed insanely. "Isnt it obvious?" he said. "Ravange for when Winstin Payne stole Grosbutrg away from me! I loved him first!"

Wait a minute... the jduge was ghey? But that was a contradickiton!

"Objectiton!" I scremed. "You cant be the judge! Because the judge IS MARREID WITH CHILDREN"

"What the fukc" said Jock Portman. "The judge marries kids?"

"No, yyou halfwitted musclehead," replied Ricard Weelintton. "The judge is married to a womin and HAS kids."

"Exactly" I said, smilling. "Which presints us with quite teh contracidertion. trucyfan6969, are you falling my logic?"

"No," said the judge. "Don't yuo dare use liogc."

"I belive so, Winson." trucyfan6969 smiled. "If this guy is ghey for Grosburg (cant blame him tbh) then taht means hes not the real judge, HES AN IMPOISTER" And she tore off his beard and revealed anoter beard, a yellow beard!

"Canadian judge!" everyone cryed in unison.

"Yes its me!" said cananidan judge. "This was all part of my master plan to frame my brother ant steel the deed to the courthouse!"

"YOU CANANADIAN BITCH!" raored Jockus.

Canadian judge laughed. He reached into his ropes adn puled out a agun. "Hands in the aire!" We had no choips but to obay him. He stood up slowely. "Good. Ill be escaping now, and I'm taking this bag of precious jewels with me." He lifted the bage of jeweils and prepaired to leave

BUT THEN

"MARVENNNNNNNN GROSSSSSBURRRGGGGGGGGGG" screamed my lover marvey and he took off his stinky dipaer and hit canadaman in the face with it.

"Mphhphpohkhmh" said evil canada judge, his voice muffled by the poopy diper. He fell to the floor and died.

And thus the ghsost hwo had hautned the courtrooms of America for generations was dead

"Thank you, thank you!" excliamed the king happily, shaking our hands. "You did it! You solved the huanted ghoest msyery! You are true heros!"

"And it's all thanks to Grossie!" laughed trucyfan6969.

Grossesurg kicked at the gorund. "Ah sjucks.." he said. "I was just helpin..."

"Gotta admit," said Jock reluctantly, but wiht respect, "you did good there."

"Cheers to the conquering hero!" said Richard, getting tipsy from his 70th alocholic beverage of the day.

The king set the bag of jewils at my feet. "Take it," he said. "Plaese. You deserve it. After all, if you hadnt come along the ghost would have stolen them anyway..."

I gave Mervin a quick peck on the cheek. "ETHE MYSETHYER GANGA solves another mystery!" I screamed. We all jumped into the air and highjfived.

Freeze frame, seauge into credits

The end

Epilog

Winston Payne closed his diary.

"And that was the scariest mystery TEH MYSEIRY GNAG ever solved... for now..."

Winston got up from his chair and looked out the window.

"Becuase... you see..." he said. "Theres always another mistery jsut around the corner." He tuend partially toward the camera.

"Do join us again, wont you?"

The end 2


End file.
